4 Steps to Succeed in Taming Your Complexes
Learn to spot them, master them, and to live serenely with them. Mireille Rosselet-Capt, a psychologist and psychotherapist, who has just published multiple books about complexes, gives us her advice to identify and overcome them.
Complexes, what are you talking about? Yes, this word is often used wrongly in everyday language! Etymologically, "complex" comes from a Latin verb that combines cum (with) and plecto (turn, interleave, braid), to indicate the fact of "braiding together". It is not a question of physical peculiarities that we have difficulty accepting and that provokes an uneasiness, such as a nose considered too crooked or an extra large posterior. The Swiss psychiatrist Carl Gustav Jung was the first to theorize about it in psychology at the beginning of the twentieth century. "According to Jung, these are kind of "psychic knots", made up of emotions and memories intermixed, says Mireille Rosselet-Capt, a psychologist and psychotherapist. They manifest themselves by a behavioral reaction (blush, sweat, have heart palpitations), emotional (fear, shame, anger, paralysis), or intellectual (I'll never get there, I'm too dumb), which is repeated and that we can not control. "An example? Victims with a feeling of inferiority analyze everything in terms of "superior or inferior" and constantly compare themselves to others. They tend to think that everyone denigrates them or takes them up without reason… "The complex distorts our experience, distorts our sense of reality, influences our analysis of a given situation, says the psychologist. It can make us think that everyone despises us, or that, decidedly, no one is reliable…" If they do not suppress each other, they can be channelled and transformed. Discover how to win in freedom and love yourself more.
1. Find your complexes
If some are conscious and others unconscious, they have one thing in common: when they occur, one is no longer oneself, one reacts in a way that is neither normal nor natural. It may be an overreaction, that is to say, a disproportionate reaction, exploding (and regretting afterwards its lack of control) or under-reaction, when the situation is broken, that we lose our means. We must, therefore, be attentive to the physical and emotional discomfort they can cause. "It can also be a moment of" disconnection", says Mireille Rosselet-Capt, in a conversation, when a word makes a complex arise, like "money", and you do not hear the end of the sentence. The same kind of phenomenon can occur by listening to the radio, reading the newspaper, watching television: our attention is suddenly distracted, following a specific information or a term. An example? The announcement of the pregnancy or the marriage of a person can remind us that the subject is sensitive for us. Another revealing situation: the little blues. We must, therefore, recognize what information or action has a triggering effect. The purpose of these questions and this analysis of the past? Having a maximum awareness of its complex to correct them, no longer believing them when they occur and managing to control them.
2. Understand what triggers them
Contrary to a widespread idea, complexes are not born only in childhood: new ones constantly arise, throughout life. For example, the one linked to money tends to be dominant between 20 and 30 years of age, decreases in the middle age to increase again with old age, when the question of financial security can cause worry. That of authority diminishes with the years because we meet fewer and fewer teachers, bosses, or people in authority. "A complex never comes by chance", adds the psychologist. If it hurts so much, it is because it reactivates past negative experiences to which we assimilate the current situation. The reprimands of a superior can, for example, remind us of those of a member of the family. The first and the most common cause is an emotional shock. "Mild trauma, like routine medical intervention, can also paralyze us," says Mireille Rosselet-Capt. The complex does not preclude advancing but gives the feeling of amputating a precious part of oneself, a bit like a liner whose hull was torn in several places. The damaged compartments are then closed and rendered inaccessible to ensure the survival of the ship. The second cause of complexes and the deepest comes from the dark aspects of our personality, which we do not want to recognize. "They do not stick to the image that we want to have of ourselves and that we want to show others, says the psychologist. In seeking to be perfect, we refuse our dark side. However, to lead a full and balanced life, it is fundamental to admit our ambivalence, to recognize our limitations, and to integrate the gloomy aspects of our personality… "No need to go back to the origin of the complex, to its first image, just understand when and why it triggers.
3. Learn to resist
Once you have identified them, you have to learn how to deal with the emotions they generate. The discomfort or disproportionate reaction usually lasts only a few minutes. We must, therefore, "endure" when they occur. With time and training, the reaction becomes less and less paralyzing. The right attitude? "Saying that you can not help it, advises the psychologist, and remember that complexes are a judgment on oneself and not a part of oneself. They do not tell the truth but convey beliefs about themselves. The right attitude is to breathe deeply by focusing on your breath, opening the windows to get some air, or focusing your attention on something else. For example, if a colleague makes us feel bad and awakens a feeling of inferiority, we must accept the emotion that is born in us, detach us from it and not reactivate it. It is useless indeed, in a second time, to rehash internally, "he dared to say that to me", "another one who wants to crush me"… Flogging is useless!
4. Treat yourself with respect
Once the storm of the complex has passed, it is essential not to poke a knife in the wound, but rather to treat yourself with kindness. Having been upset is a normal reaction. "Many people tend to redouble their painful experiences by blaming themselves for not being a better person," says the psychologist. One is sorry to be angry, unhappy to be sad, confused to be ashamed, and one feels guilty to feel guilty. We must not develop a complex of our complexes! Rather than overwhelming oneself with reproach, it is better to say to oneself benevolent inner words. Reassure yourself by saying that everyone has it and therefore can be a little paralyzed as we have been. Ready now, to meet your complexes?
What are the main complexes?
Paternal complex, maternal complex, complex related to siblings, complex with authority, complex with the money, complex with the death… we possess them all, but each one colors them in their own way, according to personal experiences, meetings, readings, etc. For example, our maternal complex is based on our relationship with our mother, but also on our relationships with friends, the films we have seen, the books we have read… That's why the complexes do not mark us not all in the same way: two sisters will not have the same maternal complexes, even if they lived with the same mother, and received the same education. "Some complexes can also be energy carriers, stimulation," adds Mireille Rosselet-Capt. A positive paternal complex, for example, will facilitate social inclusion, self-confidence and intellectual confidence."
